So the time has come and Kai and I are going to be making a birth plan. Oh the choices: Natural or with drugs? Epidural or no epidural? Soothing music or dimmed lights? Birthing ball or stationary in the bed? My God, there are too many questions! Originally, I wanted a natural birth. After birthing classes, I still think naturally birthing a child is good, but I'm also worried that the pain will be unbearable and I will want to kill myself if I can feel everything.
I know our little man is coming and I am ecstatic, but as a first-time mom, seeing images of a large head coming out of a small opening is quite the eye-opener. It's a little traumatizing, to be honest. I know women's bodies are designed for childbirth and I'm sure my body will do everything it's supposed to, but that doesn't make it any less scary. I've been told, "Don't be scared. It's a natural thing." But honestly, the more you read, the more videos you watch of actual births and the closer the date gets, the more real it becomes, and sometimes, reality is scary as shit.
Aside from the labor thoughts, things like SIDS, allergies, toxins in the home, etc are making me feel like a crazy person. The nesting has begun and I can't sit still when I'm in my house. My Spring Break was supposed to be a "break". It turned into a cleaning frenzy! From my wonderful puppies and their not-so-wonderful hair, to feeling like everything is covered in dirt, I can't be in my house without cleaning! When will it stop!? I went as far as alphabetizing the movies today. Really Caitlin, is baby going to need to find a movie to watch?
In the end, I know I just want our baby boy to be healthy and happy. That's all that matters. I know my body will heal up with time after whatever kind of birth I end up having. I know our son is not going to die the second he walks into our house because I missed sweeping up some dog hair in the bathroom. And I know that once he's here, the little things are bothering me now will take a backseat to me taking care of my baby boy. He will be my everything and I honestly can't wait for that. "I'm going to be a mom." I like the sound of that :o)
